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Hallelujah For The Remote Control Zap
t must be hard work being to follow what was happening on
a television addict in the the small screen. They’re so
US. Not only are there far invasively pervasive that it’s
too many channels to choose from, difficult not to shake off the
but you can turn on the box just feeling that perhaps there’s some
about any time of the day or subliminal undercurrent at play.
night and be guaranteed to find
something that’ll keep you But the really disturbing thing
watching – even if you don’t about US telly is that as easy as
really want to. it is to criticise what it has to
offer, it makes compulsive
Mind you, much of it seems to be viewing. And for this particular
regurgitated reruns that weren’t jet-lagged European traveller on
that spectacular first time a recent visit to the Big Apple
around. Of the more up-to-date there was only one thing to do
stuff available there’s an ahead of a day that was to be
unlimited supply of semi-talent spent tanking up on culture.
shows that come in all shapes and
sizes, endless reality programmes Grab the remote control and
trying to out-vulgar one another settle back for some wild
and so-called complex zapping. All right it was only 3
cutting-edge dramas whose plots o’clock in the morning local
are so contorted it becomes time. But this was too good an
impossible to decipher what’s opportunity to miss and with more
going on. than 30 channels at the ready, a
voyage of discovery was about to
On top of all that of course begin.
comes the constant barrage of
commercials guaranteed to break First up – and I kid you not –
whatever concentration was needed was one of those wonderful
half-hour advertorials. Zap…
Unwittingly I had got to the very
heart of what makes US television …into a blast from the past as
tick without even trying. But boy “Roseanne” made me question why
was I surprised by the content, on earth I had ever found it
which was clearly only for adult funny back in the 80s. Still, it
consumption. didn’t take forever to drag me
back in time and somehow I
It was all about some product managed to catch the best part of
that promotes growth in the male two episodes-worth of gale force
“appendage.” Yes that’s right. yelling before Zap...
Here in what is normally
considered to be one of the most …Some sort of CSI nonsense –
puritanical Western nations, Miami, New York or Las Vegas -
there was a whole 30 minutes whose plot I couldn’t fathom
devoted to advertising the fact after five minutes. So as soon as
that apparently “size does the next commercial break came up
matter”, with the show’s winsome it was Zap…
brunette hostess “spontaneously”
vox-popping couples to discover …At last, one of New York’s local
the results of the “wonder drug.” news channels complete with
mandatory over-coiffed anchors
I was transfixed. Does this work (one of each sex) and a rather
I pondered? No not the product, orange looking weather forecaster
but the sales pitch. To that who was surely wearing a wig that
question, I knew I would never had seen better days.
find out the true response so
after about 20 minutes (yes I’m This was just what the complete
ashamed to admit I was glued to news junky in me needed. I had
it for that long) it was time to heard about the influence of Fox
News on other television networks fast-paced banter, grins and
– its tendency to redefine perfect teeth as crime, crime and
journalistic objectivity into more crime followed hot on the
one-sided conservative rants. But heels of one another to keep my
I hadn’t really had the attention well and truly grabbed.
opportunity to experience it
first hand. Now was the chance to “And this just in from our out
witness for myself what stories on-the-spot reporter in Harlem,
Americans were being served up where a man was found stabbed to
for breakfast on a regular basis, death this morning after three
and make a decision for myself men allegedly tried to stop him
what I felt about it. from urinating in the vestibule
of a building. A live report
This is where I’ll have to own up coming up.” Indeed. Zap…
to not remembering which of the
local morning shows I was …America’s Next Top Model series
actually watching or when. 9. Or was it series 8? Apparently
Perhaps I saw them all. It’s hard the whole thing was going to be
to know as they sort of blurred shown over the course of the day,
into one another as I channel so even if I flipped the remote
hopped, and appeared to have (for now, the chances were that late
the uninitiated and unfamiliar) a evening I would still be able to
lot of letters, which supposedly discover who turned out to be the
meant something to regular next Tyra Banks’ protégé.
viewers.
Alternative viewing on one
But to me it seemed that whatever morning on the same channel I
they were called WCBSTV, WABC, think (to be frank it became a
WNBC, WNYWFox, the bottom line little hard to tell) was the
was just about the same. Lots of delightfully tasteful “Parental
Control.” Mom and Pop were given Authority living on a different
the task of setting up their planet or has it simply not heard
goofy son with two alternative about the country’s subprime
dates to the foul-mouthed monster lending debacle that has sent
he had been “seeing” for the past shockwaves reverberating through
eight months. Son has a great the international financial
time with both lasses but of markets? Zap…
course when asked to choose he
dismisses Miss Perfect and Miss …Back to the orange-faced guy
Perfecter in favour of the still wearing a rug and waving
tearaway his parents had been his arms about energetically as
trying to steer him clear of. It he goes into raptures over Highs,
was (in)credible TV with a Lows, Fronts and other
vengeance. Zap… magnificent meteorological
marvels that await me outside.
…Straight into a commercial for a
vacuum cleaner that the A glance at the clock tells me
manufacturer promises sucks with it’s nearly 8 o’clock. I’ve been
the “power of a hurricane.” watching nothing and everything
Pardon? And it comes complete for almost five hours, armed only
with a 21-year guarantee. Why? with my new best friend and
Zap… constant ally – the remote
control.
… Slap bang into yet another
commercial this time for I’ve discovered that there’s
refinancing home loans and forever something to watch and
allowing up-to-their-necks always nothing worth watching.
Americans to “consolidate” all And I’ve revelled in the
their credit in one place. Um is delightful couch potato pleasure
the US Advertising Standards of serial zapping.
cultivated, intellectually
It has been the very best start superior European…who will be
to the day I could have imagined back same time, same place
and at least I now know I’m not tomorrow for another healthy Zap…
an addict. I’m a snobby,
Published At: www.Isnare.com
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